Film review: Drive Angry 3D

Drive Angry 3D
Nu Image, Millenium Entertainment, Eagle Films

STARRING Nicolas Cage, Amber Heard, William Fichtner, Billy Burke, David Morse
WRITTEN BY Todd Farmer, Patrick Lussier
PRODUCED BY Michael De Luca
DIRECTED BY Patrick Lussier

SHOT BY Brian Pearson
EDITED BY Patrick Lussier, Devin C. Lussier
MUSIC BY Michael Wandmacher
DISTRIBUTED BY Summit Entertainment

Screened 2011-02-24

I can’t seem to escape the “3D” – is it really part of the film’s title? Perhaps it’s equivocal to the straight and factual art appellations like “Piano Concerto in D” or “watercolors on canvas.” The only difference being that considerably more 15 year old boys who live 100+ miles from major cities will be viewing this commercially viable porno. I suppose by now you can imagine my opinion. I don’t even want to write about the film, give it a shred more attention – but I do want more content on my blog…

Nicolas Cage “plays” total fucking badass John Milton, a man who we are led to beleive via some clever allusions has escaped hell to revenge his totally dead daughter. His absolutely murdered and freaking hot former daughter ran away from him, you see, after a horrible fight and, in her grief and confusion, totally got in league with this cult led by John Brolin’s stunt double (Billy Burke) – only it wasn’t just like a cult, it turned out to secretly be a fucking Satanic Cult and they’re gonna fucking murder a fucking baby on the full moon to usher in a new age of evil and bring hell 2 earth. In the opening scene Nic Cage totally blows off this dude’s fucking hand with a fucking shotgun and its in like 3D and you know its like in the foreground and the hand just flops to the fucking ground. *clears throat* Then he runs into Piper (Amber Heard), a foul-mouthed jailbait trailer skank, who acts so irresponsibly around dumb hick men that I was amazed she wasn’t raped and murdered quite early into the film. Piper quits her job in her first scene – understandable with jobs being so easy to come by in rural Colorado these days – gets home and is all pissed and tells her cheating tattooed shaved-head trailer trash husband to fuck off, and then he like beats her face and then Nic Cage fucking comes in and puts his fucking boot up the guy’s ass. Urgh. I can’t keep this up. Save the baby from the crazy Satanic Cult (whose redreck retinue was laterally moved in from the bleachers of a daytime talk show), blow shit up on the way, show plenty of HOT TITTIES from EASY BITCHES… god. I give up. Incidentally, Piper does a great amount of ass kicking and gets her own ass kicked just as often. Most hits come to the face – yet you’ll notice a scratch isn’t left…

I’d like to praise the plot’s originality and the inspired marketing coup which somehow managed to put Cage back into the flaming driver’s seat – Cage, who brings nothing to the role beyond his reputation for being ridiculous. For all of this we can thank producer Michael De Luca – you know, Michael De Luca!… former President of Production of New Line Cinema, then former President of Production at Dreamworks, and current head of Michael De Luca Productions – a company whose first film you may recall: it was called Ghost Rider. (Allow me to pick a bone for one minute here and mention that while in school I had a professor who claimed to have submitted a script to New Line called Hobbs End Horror, about a King/Lovecraftian horror writer whose works start to come to life in a small New England town. Never heard back from New Line. A year later, what does he see but In the Mouth of Madness – writing credits attributed to New Line’s President of Production, Michael De Luca. Coincidence, man?!? I think not! That tasteless De Luca fuck! ) The film appears to have been cast by a person who seems to only have seen a select few Michael Bay films – I venture that in his home you’ll find a few movies, old previously-viewed Blockbuster VHSs, including Armageddon, Con-Air, Idle Hands, obviously Ghost Rider, and many similar films. I swear, I grew up with the guy who wrote this film. I know exactly who he is. What I find hard to believe is the money and “star-power” attached. I don’t hate Nic Cage, really, he had an intriguing career until Face/Off – now he just makes it so darned hard to keep liking him; I guess, unlike their wine, all Coppolas depreciate with time. Even the kids are short-changed when every finale climactic effect is now done as cheaply as possible with poorly drawn CGI. But the titties are real. And the titties are what they come for.

written by David Ashley